Losing my focus….

About Two weeks ago-

This is two stories in one: the photos were taken today when a subject randomly greeted me as I showed up at the university campus to do my blood draw. I took numerous pictures of a subject before and after and right in the middle of the pics were several oops pics that I was just going to delete. Holy Spirit showed me not to delete and instead to use those pictures below in a story that compliments my journey. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know what you think. 🥰

Sometimes we lose focus, too close or too far . Way too much gravel in this pic- but even the gravel looks cool!

Reality check? Attack?

I sat in my nurse practitioner’s office waiting for her to come in. I am excited to talk to her about this health plan that my coach and I are working on. I want to share what we have accomplished so far and get her feedback on the direction we want to head. I am pumped up about the reading and research I’m doing on Intermittent fasting and the keto diet. I also want to share how important this is to me spiritually.

“Why are you even here?”

She comes in and plops my paperwork down and tells me that she doesn’t even know why I’m there. She starts looking through the lab work that I had faxed over and then flipping through the health plan my coach created for me. I mention that I faxed over last years lab work and this year’s lab work and that I also sent over the health plan my coach came up for me once I was diagnosed with Diabetes 2 to discuss it with her. I also mention that I had faxed all this over but that the nurse said she wanted to meet with me.

She tells me that my endocrinologist diagnosed me with Diabetes 2 and she sees my glucose levels and my A1c levels and she repeated that she still doesn’t know why I’m there.

Then she starts going through the health plan- doesn’t really read it but starts going off about fasting for 36 hours with the medicine that my endocrinologist put me is not a good idea. Flipping through pages, agitated and telling me it’s ridiculous (but she likes the keto). I could go on and on about what she said and more importantly how she said it… She doesn’t like or agree with the fasting.

Same scene just framed a little differently – more color and contrasts

Okay- now I’m asking myself… why am I here?

But by now I’m also wondering why the heck I’m still sitting there listening to this instead of discussing the health plan like I thought she called me into her office to do. I don’t say much, I just listen.

She says that she “could see if I was 20 and only had about 7 pounds or so to lose for a special event that I could do this program: but obviously I’m not 20 and I have significantly more to lose than 7 pounds… “ (she repeats this for some reason because obviously the first time didn’t have enough of an impact….)

A little bit more perspective , I guess these aren’t that bad Papa…

Why did I allow her to talk to me like this?

I’m still struggling to understand why- but I didn’t use my power or use my voice. I try to start to explain how important fasting is to me and why it’s important… but she isn’t listening. I feel powerless. She’s done venting now, and I’m just flattened with the whole conversation and that is the end of our visit…oh she gave me a handout.

I want to see through Your eyes Papa- what are you trying to show me tonight?

Falling into old patterns

So what happened next? I felt chastised and hopeless. I went to Arby’s. I don’t even remember what I ordered and what I ate but apparently I decided- at least in that moment to let someone else have power over me. Whether she meant to or not, whatever her intentions or mood, good day or bad day… frustration with me for going through the endocrinologist perhaps- I chose to let her words and tone have power over me that day…

I’m trying to listen, Papa!! wow this is pretty!!

Identity as a Royal 👑

I regret that. I thought I was living in my identity as a royal daughter of God. Let me rephrase that…. I was but I let something distract me from my identity and purpose. I neglected to walk in my identity and right standing with God.

I want to see all the things you want to show me, Papa! I’m focusing….. wait- what is that in the corner of this picture?

My purpose is to write. One of the things I was created to write is the nature of God – who He is and what He’s like. It is hard for us to remember who we are at all times- and to remember not only our identity but also our righteousness! For me to do these things, for me to feel fulfilled on my divine purpose – I need to be healthy. When I’m on the right path; something came into my world to distract me and steal my hope… now that I recognize that was what was happening…. I know what I need to do.

I am pushing through to the truth of who I am and who I’m called to be. Sometimes that means finding answers outside the box of conventional thinking. I am carefully pursuing the intermittent fasting and the keto diet, along with exercise. My favorite part of fasting is the spiritual connection that I have with a loving, beautiful God that I just like to call “Papa”. I am learning to listen to my body, to allow Holy Spirit in to guide me even when I’m tired. When I do strengthening exercises that my coach, Patrick has designed- I lean in a little harder on my connection with Papa. We often wind up working out together and I have to say that working out with God is so cool! It’s a fun way of seeing the playful side of God.

The goat 🐐 was my subject. With my hurt feelings it was hard to see clearly- I was focused on a small frame of information instead of God’s plan for me: just like this weird series of pics I took today- they all looked like accidental pictures until I was writing. God showed me that in each picture there was something to see, something to learn from and enjoy- but it wasn’t until the last picture that the viewer (me) could see the full view of the landscape scene and the wild goat who apparently hangs out at the university. Papa tells me it’s ok to have small amounts of information to process at times… and that I am to trust Him to show me the big pictures too!

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